How do I say "I love you"? - Ask the Experts

by Vicki Rackner MD

Your act of caring for a loved one who is sick or disabled is a profound way of saying, “I love you.” Just as there are many languages spoken on the planet, so, too, there are languages of love – and they’re not all about talking. Your loved one receives your “I love you’s” best when you speak his or her “language.” Let me explain.

Gary Chapman, PhD, describes love languages in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Here’s how you can apply his ideas as a caregiver.

Words. If your loved one speaks the language of words, the messages that warm the heart are “I love you,” “I’m proud of you” and “You’re special.” Give concrete examples: “Dad, I always appreciated the way I could count on you. When I was a kid and you promised to help me fix my bike, you followed through even though you were so busy with work.”

You can speak the words in person, over the telephone or even make a tape recording! Sally said she listened to a message her mother left on a telephone answering machine over and over. Even a message scribbled on a Post-it note can be a treasured gift.

Gifts. Mary said, “I happened to have the award I got from work when I visited Mom and I showed it to her. She was so proud that I told her she could keep it. She lit up just like she did when I gave her the potholders I made in Girl Scout camp.” Some show utter delight with gifts. It does not have to be expensive or extravagant. A gift is a physical token of your love. Maybe you bring your mother a bouquet of her favorite lilacs or your father his favorite chocolate.

Acts of service. If this is the love language of the person for whom you care, you’re in luck. Your life is filled with moment-to-moment opportunities for acts of service. Nancy said, “Once I realized that Dad’s primary love language involved acts of service, my attitude changed! I used to think of the chores like grocery shopping and driving him to the doctor as, well…chores! Now I repeat to myself, ‘I’m saying I love you.’ I go through the to-do list with greater joy.”

Touch. The doctor asked Marina’s mother if the medical student could listen to her heart. She replied, “It’s fine. It seems like you’re the only person who touches me since my husband died, and I miss it!” Many sick and elderly people are touch deprived. If this is your parent’s love language, indulge it. Be generous with hugs. Sit close and maybe even hold hands. Maybe Mom would like a pedicure. Or DAD!

Time. Joe said to his sister, “It doesn’t matter how much I do for Mom. It’s never enough.” His sister chuckled and said, “Joe, don’t you realize that all Mom really wants is for you to sit down with her and enjoy a cup of tea?”

Time is often the love language hardest to speak. Unlike words, which are infinitely renewable resources, time is by nature limited. Find creative ways of spending time together. Run errands together. Take your mom to her favorite restaurant. Go for a walk with your dad.

When you and your loved one speak the same love language, it’s easy to say, “I love you.” However, it can be challenging when you speak a different love language.

Get to know your love language and the love language of those you care about. It will help you take better care of yourself. And start saying, “I love you,” in the language the recipient best understands.

About Dr. Vicki

Vicki Rackner, MD is a board-certified surgeon and clinical faculty member at the University of Washington School of Medicine. She left the operating room to be on the cutting edge of healthcare consumerism. She is now a full-time patient advocate, helping people get the health care they want, need and deserve. Dr. Vicki is an author, speaker and consultant.