How do I get my parent to tell the doctor? - Ask the Experts

by Vicki Rackner MD

Imagine your partner says, “Honey, let’s pack a picnic lunch, grab the kids and head to the topless beach.” You’re not sure you want to be exposed in that way, especially in front of the kids.

This may be what it’s like for your parents when you suggest they tell the doctor about the aches and pains they so freely share with you.

You don’t want you parents to suffer. You want the information about their symptoms to get into the hands of the people who can help them: their doctors. You may have tried to persuade your parents any number of times.

Here are some things that may not have worked

• “How to” instructions. You may have said, “Mom, just call the doctor and leave a message the pill is too big. It gets stuck. Ask what they can do.” This is like saying, “The way to get the top off is to untie the string and unhook the back.” The mechanics—how to walk through the steps—are usually not the problem.
• The “Everybody does it” argument. Would this persuade you to change your mind about topless bathing? While it may be normal for people to speak up with their doctors, it’s not normal for your parents.
• Logic arguments. It’s unlikely your partner could change your mind by saying, ”Topless beaches are great. No tan lines. One less thing to pack when we go on vacation. And think of the money we’ll save buying only half of the bikini.” You can create compelling arguments to your parents, like speaking up will prevent medical errors and lower prescription costs. Often, though, even these benefits do not outweigh their heavy source of resistance.

Here’s the problem in a nutshell. The way your parents interact with their doctors is deeply engrained behavior. They see speaking up as disrespectful.

Here are some strategies that may work better:

• Ask, “Is it possible?” Can you ever imagine your parents speaking up with the doctors? In my experience 80% of patients over 80 will simply never change the way they work with the doctor.
• Ask, “What can I do differently?” If your parents won’t get vital information into the hands of the doctor, you can ask if you can. Say, “Mom, I know you hope the doctor will ask you about your bowel habits, and then you can tell him about your constipation. This is too important to leave to chance. May I call the doctor and tell him, or come with you to your next appointment?”
• Ask, “Why is it important for the doctor to know?” You most likely want the doctor to know about your parents’ symptoms in hopes of change for the better. Many of the aches and pains your parents tell you about are a result of normal wear-an-tear on the body. The goal is to improve the quality of their lives. There are many people who can help, including pharmacists, nurses, physical therapists and families who have walked in your shoes. It could be a new gizmo could restore some function in arthritic hands. Be sure to include all of these important people in your team.

About Dr. Vicki

Vicki Rackner, MD is a board-certified surgeon and clinical faculty member at the University of Washington School of Medicine. She left the operating room to be on the cutting edge of healthcare consumerism. She is now a full-time patient advocate, helping people get the health care they want, need and deserve. Dr. Vicki is an author, speaker and consultant.