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by Vicki Rackner MD
When you say “I love you,” say it in the right language. The right love language, that is.
Gary Chapman, PhD, says that each of us has a primary love language. Here’s how you can use his Five Love Languages as you care for aging parents.
Words. If your parent treasures words, you can say “I love you” in person, over the phone or even as a message on an answering machine. A message scribbled on a Post-it note can be a treasured gift.
Gifts. If your mother still has the potholders you made for her at Girl Scout camp, gifts may be her love language. The gifts do not have to be expensive or extravagant. It’s a physical token that says “I remembered you.” Maybe you can bring your mother a bouquet of her favorite lilacs or your father his favorite chocolate.
Acts of service. Caregiving is filled with moment-to-moment opportunities for acts of service. Nancy said, “Once I realized that Dad’s love language involved acts of service, my attitude changed! I used to think of the chores like grocery shopping and driving him to the doctor as, well…chores! Now I repeat to myself, ‘I’m saying I love you.’’
Touch. Many frail and elderly people are “skin hungry.” They’re touch deprived. If touch is their love language, touch-deprived translates to love-deprived. If this is your parent’s love language, indulge it. Be generous with hugs. Sit close and maybe even hold hands. Maybe Mom would like a pedicure. Or DAD!
Time. Time is often the love language hardest to speak. Unlike words, which are infinitely renewable resources, time is by nature limited. Find creative ways of spending time together. Run errands together. Take your mom to her favorite restaurant. Go for a walk with your dad.
When you and your loved one speak the same love language, it’s easy to say, “I love you.” However, it can be challenging when you speak a different love language. What are your parents’ love languages? Yours? Say, “I love you,” in the language the recipient speaks.
About Dr. Vicki
Vicki Rackner, MD is a board-certified surgeon and clinical faculty member at the University of Washington School of Medicine. She left the operating room to be on the cutting edge of healthcare consumerism. She is now a full-time patient advocate, helping people get the health care they want, need and deserve. Dr. Vicki is an author, speaker and consultant.
