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by Vicki Rackner MD
Toni’s mom called in a state of panic from the hospital. She fell and broke her hip. Her biggest concern is her cat. Who will feed her cat and give her cat his medicine? Toni peppered her mother with questions about her hip, and her mother got increasingly annoyed. “You don’t understand. The doctor is taking care of my hip. I want you to take care of my cat.” It was only after Toni reassured her mother that she would look after the cat that she got her mother’s medical update.
The heart of caregiving is plugging onto a loved one’s agenda. When the helper “gets” the person in need, the crisis gets diffused; when they go off on their own take of the problem, the crisis is escalated. It’s Toni’s ability to reassure her mother about the cat before addressing the hip.
Here are some thoughts if you are on the receiving end of a call from a person in crisis:
Are you speaking words that the person in crisis can hear in a way that they can hear them?
Not helpful: “Here’s what I have to do before I can help you” followed by a laundry list of your own personal challenges.
Helpful: “Sounds like a serious problem. I’m here and we’ll get it solved!”
Are you able to see more than one way to fix the problem?
Not helpful: “The doctor says you need an operation. You’ll get the operation. It’s the only way.”
Helpful: “It sounds like you want to avoid an operation. There are always options. Let’s get a second opinion.”
What problem are you trying to fix? Are you addressing what’s important for you or what’s important for the person in need?
Not helpful: “ Who cares about your cat; it’s only a cat. I care about you.”
Helpful: “We’ll make sure that your cat gets his food and medicine on time.”
Do you deliver a helping hand or blame?
Not helpful: “You’re in the ER with a heart attack! I TOLD you should have stopped smoking.”
Helpful: “I’ll be right there.” Then have the conversation about smoking after the dust settles.
Are you making good on your promises?
Not helpful: “I’ll call you back” or make other promises you break then ignore.
Helpful: Try to only make promises you can keep, try to keep them and take responsibility if you cannot.
Is your timing right?
Not helpful: Rush into the ER and say, “You were on the ground two hours before someone found you after you fell. This is exactly why I want you to move in with me.”
Helpful: Wait until the time is right after the hip operation.
About Dr. Vicki
Vicki Rackner, MD is a board-certified surgeon and clinical faculty member at the University of Washington School of Medicine. She left the operating room to be on the cutting edge of healthcare consumerism. She is now a full-time patient advocate, helping people get the health care they want, need and deserve. Dr. Vicki is an author, speaker and consultant.
